I keep putting my heart in the hands of others to hurt. To mold. To hurt more.
Will I ever change? Will I ever learn?
I can’t get healthy. Neither emotionally or physically. I just want to take pictures and get lost behind my lens. I want to get lost in my new journal. I want to get lost in the scent of someone. In the fullness of that special moment. I just want to get lost.
(Source: dailytroubledailystruggle)
It is time for me to blow off some much needed steam! We live in the 21st century and the standards that women are held to and that men are held to are just as same as they have ever been. It is really quite frustrating trying to be a sexually confident woman in this day and age. I had one of the most sexually liberating weekends and I feel as if I have thousands of eyes watching and judging me. What was supposed to be a very private moment for me became a very exposed moment. I most definitely feel like Olive Penderghast in Easy A. While she didn’t actually do the things she said she did, she still got ostracized as if she had done them. Now imagine what it would have been like if she had been the sexually active person she was supposed to be? I am sure that the ostracism would have been far greater. That is where I come into play. The foolishness of people these days still mind boggles me.
We live in a day and age where communication is quick and easy. Word travels faster than the speed of light these days. My privacy has been invaded and my persona has been degraded. I shared my weekend with my best friend and next thing I know the entire staff at my old place of work knew about the whole thing. Imagine my mortification of having to work right across from them and have them knowing my sexual activities. Sure, I am very open in my confidence but I do keep a lot of things private, this was one of them. I have just turned 21, I am young and free to explore myself in ways I have never been able to do before. I was in a very serious and committed relationship for almost 2 years. I was raised as a Jehovah’s Witness. I lost my virginity at 19 which wasn’t very long ago. Before this weekend, I had only had 3 sexual partners. The first two were awful… the last was someone that I loved with my whole heart. For me to go off and be this little fiend is very much out of character. But I embrace my sexuality. I love having sex. I love giving attention to someone of the opposite sex. I am completely okay with my behavior!
My point being… What I do when I am having a good time is my own goddamn business. Don’t judge me for having the balls to realize that I am a very attractive woman. I have a nice body, a good personality, I am very intelligent and I sure as hell know how to please a man. I am really good at that. Its cocky, its arrogant but its the truth. I am confident and that confidence scares many. So don’t you dare talk about my business as if you know. I have lived my life with boundaries and walls that none of you have any idea about. The fact that I enjoy sex is a miracle. I lost my virginity because he had already put it inside me and it was too late. I didn’t know what was happening. I hated myself for a long time. The next person I slept with spent the whole day yelling at me for being an awful girlfriend and that he hated me for not being like the countless other girls he could be dating. He then said he was buying condoms. I was still crying. Oh, and then there is the whole being sexually abused as a kid thing too. Oh and then my last relationship, with the boy that I still stupidly love, I would be lying completely naked next to him and he would just roll over and go to sleep. So I am pretty messed up when it comes to enjoying myself intimately with someone.
I am loud. I am obnoxious. I am me and I love it. Talk as much as you want, I do not regret what I did. And what is the worst of all this is that it wasn’t just me who made a decision that night. It was the other party as well. I cannot be the only one held accountable! Its this messed up world we live in. The boys get away with being frivolous but God forbid a lady decides to do so. We need to start accepting ourselves as human beings with desires and wants. We need to stop talking about each other as if we are in a soap opera, gossiping like a bunch of school children. We need to start respecting each other and our choices. Let me live my life the way I chose to, I let you live yours…
(Source: dailytroubledailystruggle)
I find myself doing stupid things. I lied to Adam. I told him I was seeing other people, just to finally end it all. I never did actually sleep with anyone else. It just hurts so much worse knowing that he never cared enough to fight for me. I have tried so hard to get him to try, to get him to care. Its as if… living together, spending more than a year together, breathing in unison… having him always by my side… I can’t move on. I miss him more than ever. I don’t know whether it is him that I miss, or the idea of having someone always there. But, God, how my heart aches. How my heart yearns. Its killing me with every breath how utterly alone I have found myself. I loved him so much. I love him with everything that I had. I still love him with every bone and breath in my body. I love him. I love him. And… he is gone. He doesn’t love me. I pushed him away because he couldn’t be with me. It is stupid for me to even think we stood a chance. He cheated on me. He found more enjoyment in telling another girl she looked beautiful than whispering it into my ear. He could fantasize about another girl instead of having me. I would lie completely naked next to him only to have him push me away….. I am so insecure now. I can hardly look at myself with hating my body, without hating my heart for betraying me. For loving a boy who couldn’t love me. I ache. I ache. Every inch of me aches. Nothing can escape this pain. I am empty now. I can’t love again. I can’t go through the rejection again. The romance for a few months to only suffer trying to keep the relationship together. But.. whatever. No one will read this anyways. I’ll just curl up into a cocoon and try and soothe my aching heart, smoother the pain. I hate this. ASDFGHJK
(Source: dailytroubledailystruggle)
But, regardless I need a place to vent my obvious frustrations.
About a year and a half ago, I left my family, my religion, my “friends”, everything. I left with 150$ in my pocket and job that I only worked 2 days a week. I was living at some random guy’s house who eventually became… a very bad boyfriend who then left for bootcamp. At that point I moved into my aunts house and met Adam, with whom I was in a relationship with up until recently. ANYWAYS. My religion is complicated. Its a good religion, its just very strict and very moral, and I tended to lean the opposite of that in my youth… thus I kept getting into trouble. At one point I just got sick of my relationship with God being discussed and evaluated by everyone, and of me getting reproved etc. (reproval is how the elders of the congregation inform others that you have committed a sin but have been “reproved”). After my second reproval, my friends… well… they kinda fell off the face of the earth. And while they may deny it now, they all know deep down that its true. So, I thought, well, since I keep getting in trouble, and my relationship keeps getting doubted, than lets leave. So I did. Well… almost 2 years later… I am still dealing with repercussions with leaving. My relationship with my family is very strained… getting better but still very strained. And, I currently found out that one of my old friends from this church is dying. Her leukemia finally got the best of her… and she is dying. They took her off her oxygen and now they are just waiting… I have talked to her in 2 years and the last time I did, she was begging me to come home and I ignored her… I don’t know what to do… What should I do?
(Source: dailytroubledailystruggle)
I got my old job as a caregiver back two days a week from 8am-8pm. It is my first day alone with Mrs.Barnes. She is 100 years old and even though she just lays in bed all day, she eats well and seems content. But I am exhausted from lifting her and from changing her diapers. In other news, I still feel very depressed. I am very much dead inside and I am having difficulty mustering the strength to smile. I keep it on when someone walks in, but for the most part, my affect is blank. I should probably see someone. Therapy or something. Especially since I am self diagnosing and such. Oh well. Back to waiting for the old lady to wake so I can feed her lunch. I am quite bored and some messages would be nice. Everyone, have a good day.
(Source: dailytroubledailystruggle)
I did some terrible things. But only because he did some terrible things. I regret those terrible things. Cause what if he never really did those terrible things. But I actually did those terrible things. I heard from someone that he had done some terrible things. I always hear from someone that he has done something, then he comes up with a reasonable excuse or explanation over the misunderstood supposed terrible things. After so many times, I am sick of it. Especially since I cannot get him to tell me I am beautiful, yet he finds it easy to let another girl know it… Just to boost her self-esteem… Yet he cannot boost mine. He seems to be lying and know he won’t even fight to explain it all. He won’t even fight. I feel like I am living in a nightmare and my heart yearns for him. Aches for him still. He is all I have known these past 2 years, All I have wanted. Now my heart is torn. I want him, but I know we aren’t forever. He says he will never marry me. It hurts. My heart hurts at his words. We’ve both done terrible things. I just want him to let me go. To be so upset with me that he will never speak to me again, just so that I can move on. Because I can’t be friends with the boy I spent the last years sleeping with, holding, calling him baby, not without it being like ripping the stitches holding the gaping wound he caused in my heart, and then stitching them again. I cannot explain my feelings. I feel so numb. So empty. So broken and unfixable. I don’t know what to do. I just know… I’ve done some terrible things.
(Source: dailytroubledailystruggle)
I chose to write about the marginalization of porn stars in comparison to other actors as my term paper for an english class last semester. I researched many different porn stars but only one really stood out to me. As I was flipping through this book I bought on the 100 greatest porn stars, Stoya came up. Her picture was stunning. After reading what she talked about I started to watch her videos. There is something in the way that she carries herself that made me almost jealous of her sexual freedom. I realized that I could be like her. I stopped being ashamed about my porn addiction. I stopped being ashamed about my enjoyment of sex. I should have every reason to hate it. I was abused, my virginity was stolen from me. But that is okay. I love Stoya. I love her work. I love her beauty. I would love to be as confident as her. I am sorry if this offends a lot of people but, writing that paper made me realize that women should not hide, should not be afraid. As women, we can have the same sexual desires and needs as men. In fact, I would say that I am hornier than most men I have talked to. There is nothing wrong with that. And for us women to be constantly taken advantage of… It is 2012 people. I mean really. Think of you sisters, your mothers, your daughters… Would you want them to be afraid of their sexuality, to be afraid that if they were too short of a dress than they are asking for it? We should be past this. We should be better than this. But no. Women still get raped. Women still get molested, and bothered. I can’t even get through a day at work without some loser and his friends coming in to waste my time to ask me out to sushi. Seriously?! I know I have a lot of male and female followers. Its time to embrace yourselves. Its time to reblog the porn. To reblog the girl having an orgasm. Its time to have orgasms. All the time. Oh… And feel free to respond to this if you want. Be angry. Be happy. I dont care. Just be something that doesnt hurt other, something that doesnt take advantage of others. Be happy!
My feet ache, like a really bad throbbing ache. Worked 11 and a half hours. Didn’t sell any jewelry. I have to move by June. I have so much homework. I am in a pretty messed up place. Dear Anybody…. I’m losing hope. I want to quit life.
(Source: dailytroubledailystruggle)
I will wake up and realize I wasted my youth striving for things that don’t matter. That I wasted my time in getting no where. That by the time I realize happiness, it will be too late to enjoy it.
(Source: dailytroubledailystruggle)
