It is time for me to blow off some much needed steam! We live in the 21st century and the standards that women are held to and that men are held to are just as same as they have ever been. It is really quite frustrating trying to be a sexually confident woman in this day and age. I had one of the most sexually liberating weekends and I feel as if I have thousands of eyes watching and judging me. What was supposed to be a very private moment for me became a very exposed moment. I most definitely feel like Olive Penderghast in Easy A. While she didn’t actually do the things she said she did, she still got ostracized as if she had done them. Now imagine what it would have been like if she had been the sexually active person she was supposed to be? I am sure that the ostracism would have been far greater. That is where I come into play. The foolishness of people these days still mind boggles me.
We live in a day and age where communication is quick and easy. Word travels faster than the speed of light these days. My privacy has been invaded and my persona has been degraded. I shared my weekend with my best friend and next thing I know the entire staff at my old place of work knew about the whole thing. Imagine my mortification of having to work right across from them and have them knowing my sexual activities. Sure, I am very open in my confidence but I do keep a lot of things private, this was one of them. I have just turned 21, I am young and free to explore myself in ways I have never been able to do before. I was in a very serious and committed relationship for almost 2 years. I was raised as a Jehovah’s Witness. I lost my virginity at 19 which wasn’t very long ago. Before this weekend, I had only had 3 sexual partners. The first two were awful… the last was someone that I loved with my whole heart. For me to go off and be this little fiend is very much out of character. But I embrace my sexuality. I love having sex. I love giving attention to someone of the opposite sex. I am completely okay with my behavior!
My point being… What I do when I am having a good time is my own goddamn business. Don’t judge me for having the balls to realize that I am a very attractive woman. I have a nice body, a good personality, I am very intelligent and I sure as hell know how to please a man. I am really good at that. Its cocky, its arrogant but its the truth. I am confident and that confidence scares many. So don’t you dare talk about my business as if you know. I have lived my life with boundaries and walls that none of you have any idea about. The fact that I enjoy sex is a miracle. I lost my virginity because he had already put it inside me and it was too late. I didn’t know what was happening. I hated myself for a long time. The next person I slept with spent the whole day yelling at me for being an awful girlfriend and that he hated me for not being like the countless other girls he could be dating. He then said he was buying condoms. I was still crying. Oh, and then there is the whole being sexually abused as a kid thing too. Oh and then my last relationship, with the boy that I still stupidly love, I would be lying completely naked next to him and he would just roll over and go to sleep. So I am pretty messed up when it comes to enjoying myself intimately with someone.
I am loud. I am obnoxious. I am me and I love it. Talk as much as you want, I do not regret what I did. And what is the worst of all this is that it wasn’t just me who made a decision that night. It was the other party as well. I cannot be the only one held accountable! Its this messed up world we live in. The boys get away with being frivolous but God forbid a lady decides to do so. We need to start accepting ourselves as human beings with desires and wants. We need to stop talking about each other as if we are in a soap opera, gossiping like a bunch of school children. We need to start respecting each other and our choices. Let me live my life the way I chose to, I let you live yours…